Born to Be A Lover Girl; Forced to Stand on Business
My TikTok algorithm never lets me forget that I’m single. With every scroll, I sink deeper into the abyss of unsolicited relationship content— “How to manifest a perfect relationship,” “If your man doesn’t peel an orange for you, he hates you,” a tarot card reader insisting that my ex is coming back and a random dating coach outlining all of the unspoken rules of “the talking stage.”
If you’re single and in your 20s, you probably know how exhausting the dating pool and conversations surrounding relationships can be. I can always guarantee that when I do decide to talk about being single or express any frustrations with dating, someone’s ready to hit me with the classic, “focus on yourself.” I’ll admit, constantly hearing “focus on yourself” always irritated me because anyone who has ever met me knows that has never been a challenge. However, during the last quarter of 2023, I decided it was time to redefine what that meant and take focusing on myself to new levels.
I want to make it crystal clear that choosing to focus on yourself does not rid you of desiring a romantic connection. It should not be used as a tool to suppress your romantic feelings or encourage others to do so. We all have needs but it’s all about finding balance. Focusing on yourself can range from healing from childhood trauma, or a past relationship, or rebuilding your self-confidence. While I’ve always taken time to reflect on these things with myself, my friends, and my family– I know there is always more to discover about myself. Constantly learning and evolving not only keeps us interesting but it brings us closer to the best version of ourselves.
For me, this season of focusing on myself looks like
Continuing to make myself a priority (career, health, finances, knowledge, new experiences)
Spending as much time as possible with my friends and family
Deconstructing patterns surrounding love
Trusting and honoring my feelings
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always set big goals for myself and I’ve always been met with well-deserved rewards. Study consistently to get good grades, get good grades to be accepted into the best colleges and universities, land the best internships to gain the best skills and an impressive resume, land your dream job, and hit your professional goals to get a promotion at work. You know, the basics.
But I’ve come to learn that romantic relationships are not exactly that simple and they are instead based on chance, being at the right place at the right time, and taking risks. Of course, there are things I can do to increase my chances of meeting people and being seen but there is no guarantee that I will find that special someone every time I decide to leave my house. What I can guarantee is that permitting myself to enjoy my single years, honor my feelings, and grow closer to the highest version of myself will never be something I’ll regret. I don’t want to look back at my early 20s as a time when I never gave myself space to explore what I wanted out of life and instead spent my entire time yearning to be in a romantic relationship.
It’s easy to feel like you’re “running out of time.” We all have an idea in our heads about when we “should” be hitting milestones in our lives. These ideas are usually influenced by our peers, what we hear and see in media, and/or cultural norms. When I get carried away comparing myself to others, I often have to remind myself that everyone’s journey is different. Some people marry their high school sweethearts, some settle down and start families in their early 20s, some get married multiple times, some never get married, and some get married at 50. None of us know exactly what our lives will look like, even when we make plans; this is something I’m working on making peace with. Being confident in what my standards are, steers me away from settling for less and helps me strengthen my discernment. I have no interest in moving without intention just for the sake of hitting a milestone or for anyone else’s validation. In other words, I would rather wait for the right person than rush and settle for someone who does not value me in the way I deserve. I will admit, it is scary out here… I have yet to be impressed by anyone approaching me. What’s going on? Either way, no matter who shows up, or doesn’t, I know that I will always be able to show up for myself.
There is a parallel that often gets ignored in conversations about focusing on yourself. Yes, romantic relationships require self-love, self-awareness, empathy, patience, and compassion to fully bloom, hence why we often hear the saying, “You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else.” However, when someone expresses their desire for a romantic connection, it does not always mean that they do not love themselves or lack the ability to love. Simultaneously, there is no scoreboard that counts the amount of time you spend alone to heal from past experiences or a new level you can reach once you “glow up” to “win the prize” of a relationship. Relationships are not a solution to life’s problems. Whether you spend time alone to focus on yourself or not, it is still very possible that you can enter a relationship and still be met with internal and external challenges; there is no “one size fits all” experience. You may meet a partner who challenges the way you think and that just means it’ll be a new opportunity to evolve together. You don’t always have to be alone to blossom into your best self.
So far, I’ve learned that prioritizing my alone time has granted me clarity that I’ll always be grateful for. What’s even more exciting is that my journey has only just begun, I have so much more to learn and experience in this life. If you’ve been struggling with accepting your single years, know that there are so many ways to make this time enjoyable. There are so many areas of your life that require love and there is never “too much” love to give. Show love to your friends, your family, your neighbors, and yourself– reconnect with a hobby you gave up years ago, try a new hobby, learn a new skill, and buy yourself some flowers or some new decor for your room. Remember that you are the love of your life and you don’t have to wait for someone to come along to give you the things you deserve. How you care for yourself will determine the love you accept from others. When you know how valuable your care and trust are, the less likely you are to hand it to anyone who appears in front of you. Take back your power and set the standard for the experiences you want in the future.
